Punky Brewster and the State of America's Youth

-originally posted on 1/15/06-

There's no question that the information age has done wonders to advance science, business and the arts; however, one glaring consequence of the Internet as a social vehicle is that America's youth have forgotten how to use the English language.

RFOALOL, U, HOTT, and a host of acronyms and purposely misspelled words are making kids these days sound like functional retards. It reminds me of an old Punky Brewster episode.

In this particular episode, Cherie's cousin comes to town to visit. She is a wonderful artist and draws a caricature of Mrs. Johnson who uncannily resembles The Pine Sol Lady minus a few pounds. Although she is a great artist, she can't read. Somehow, Paula made it to 7^th grade by blowing all of her teachers and trading crack for good grades in English. A few days later at the Brewster household, something terrible happened. Paula's little brother crawled into the kitchen and started guzzling a bottle of Tide. Apparently idiocy runs in the family.

A few minutes later Paula runs in and starts freaking out and grabs the Tide, but luckily recognizes numbers so she can call 911. She proceeds to embarrass herself to the operator trying to sound out the words on the container. Finally, Punky comes to the rescue and grabs the container, reads that "If Swallowed, Flush Out with Milk", gives the milk to the kid, then punches Paula in the face for being such a fucking moron. Ok the last part didn't happen but it should have.

What's the moral of the story? Every kid in America is becoming a carbon copy of Paula. Soon, little brothers and sisters will be swallowing paint remover but unlike young Marcus (did he have a name?), they will meet a slow, painful death with the lack of Punkys out there.

On a side note, Punky Brewster a.k.a. Soliel Moon-Frye shouldn't have gotten that breast reduction. She's been a complete failure on TV as an adult actress, and clearly the hooters would have helped her launch a successful porn career. Think about it, she could've done a porn movie with the exact same plot as the Paula episode, but instead she ends up in a threesome with Cherie and Mrs. Johnson, while Henry starts popping Viagra as he stares in amazement. If someone can find me Ms. Moon-Frye's email address, I'll send her the idea and see what she thinks.