You Got A Tattoo of What?

-originally posted on 7/21/05-

Some people just don't get it. They don't understand that their awful tattoos don't elicit fear in the eyes of the un-tattooed such as yours truly. Instead, it's pure comedy. For example, there's this guy who recently joined my gym who probably has the worst ink I've ever seen. Seriously, it looks like the work of a kindergartener. To give you a vivid description: he's about 6'1", 185 lbs. and looks like Dwayne from Full House (He was Kimmy's boyfriend who always said "Whatever") He always has to wear a tanktop, not because he's completely huge and/or ripped (which he's not), but to show off his awesome artwork! On one shoulder he has a small colored superman "S". A few inches below there is a poor excuse for a lightning bolt. On his other arm there are a few scattered designs resembling each of the marshmallows you find in Lucky Charms cereal. I wouldn't be writing this epic paragraph if it didn't look so BAD, but believe me, I'd be embarassed walking around like that. (If you're reading this Mr. Bad Tattoo Man, you know I can kick your ass, so don't bother trying to retaliate, but for the tiny chance you are a cancer survivor and each tattoo symbolizes a stage in your recovery, I am greatly, greatly sorry.)

Let's get a few things straight. I'm not anti-tattoo. I'm anti-BAD tattoo. Therefore, I now present to you:

THE TATTOO RULES

1. Come up with something original.

Last time I checked, a lightning bolt isn't very original. I've seen about 48 superman "S" logos, and most of the ppl weren't that super. The only person that can pull it off is Shaq, and maybe Superman himself, but who tattoos their name on themself anyway? ummmmm, alot of ppl, which brings me to my next rule....

2. Your name/initials is so blase.

Listen, if your name is John or Mike, congrats to your parents for being so indecisive (my rents are no exception, thanks Mom and Dad). However, there's no reason to promote this, unless you happen forget your name alot and need a reminder. Initials aren't much better unless they are funny like A.S.S. Last names I can make an exception for since I think family pride is important, unless your family is a bunch of druggies.

3. The Chinese writing looks stupid if you aren't Asian.

I really don't need to explain this one but I will anyway. You are white. You don't speak Chinese. You weren't adopted by Chinese parents. You aren't very good at math (just kidding) Yes, I know Chinese food rocks but there's no need to pay homage to their culture by inscribing it on your skin. I personally would be insulted if I was Asian, but since I'm a whitey all I can do is make fun of you, which is much less stressful. For all you know, your tattoo could say "I am a giant douche who molests monkeys"

4. Whatever you do, don't get the Tribal

Listen, everyone and their Grandma has a Tribal tattoo on their arm these days. These things were about as cool as Vanilla Ice for about a week back in 1997. I actually got a fake Tribal tattoo about 6 years ago just to freak out my Mom. When she finally saw it she said "What the hell are you doing"? I was like "Listen Mom, I've always wanted a tattoo and now that I'm 18 I got one." Thinking she'd be really pissed just for the fact I got a tattoo, she replied with "but why did you get THAT? It looks UGLY." I reassured her it was fake and we went on with our normal lives.

5. Tattoos don't make you good-looking

If you're fat, smell bad and are missing a front tooth, getting a tattoo will not make you attractive. Maybe if you get off your ass and hit the gym, take a shower and go to the dentist. The reverse is true as well. I've seen a lot of hot chicks and jacked dudes ruin their bodies with this shit. If you want to get a tattoo, do it right. Don't be drunk when you get it......if you have to be drunk to ease the tension, make sure you're sober when coming up with the design, and get ALOT of opinions before getting it done.

Now excuse me while I go to the parlor to get a Sir Mix Alot tribute tattoo on my back.