Is ugly the new black?

How are ugly women getting on the covers of magazines these days?

I was sitting at the reception area at the dentist's office and I noticed a few girly magazines thrown on the floor. The cover of the March 2006 issue of GLAMOUR features Sarah Jessica Parker, or Carrie on Sex and The City. How did this chick get so ugly? Not many people are aware of the origin of this freak and how she became famous. What I'm about to tell you may shock you, so read at your own risk:

About 25 years ago, Barbara Streisand went to Italty to visit her pal Geppetto, who was brainstorming his next puppett project. Geppetto had ambitions of making an female version of Pinnochio, but wanted to keep his costs down so he chose Barbara as his model. When the wooden Barbara puppet was finished, it came to life, lied a few times which caused her nose to grow larger and more rigid, and in the process pissing of Gheppetto causing him to shave her jawline to look even more manly. In true storybook fashion, puppet-Barbara became a real woman and legally changed her name to Sarah Jessica Parker. Through Geppetto's connections in L.A. she was able to get a few movie gigs and finally the lead role in one of the most popular shows of all time. How could a face like that not be once made out of wood?

If it couldn't get any worse, there's an issue of LUCKY magazine (a shopping mag) with none other than Nicole Richie on the cover sporting her oh so boyish abortion of a face. I'm a big fan of Lionel and his music, but fuck- that guy is hideous. There are just some people that shouldn't be allowed to have children based to aesthetics alone, and he is one of them. Even pre-anorexia, Nicole was disgusting. She's got lima bean nostrils, oily skin, spooky looking eyes and Toucan Samesque beak.

The question must be addressed: Is ugly the new black?

I understand how a typical "ugly" clothing trend can become the hottest thing in town, but I didn't think that this could transcend boundaries to people's physical features. I guess it makes some sense since we have stores like Lane Bryant and ad campaigns sporting women with "real curves" and real gunts. Fat is ok, so ugly is ok.

I have a reason to get fucked up tonight. Enjoy the weekend!

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On a side note, check out this douchebag's truck I was behind a few days ago in Waltham. Yup, those are Jam'n 94.5 Stickers! This guy is the epitome of cool! He must, like, be best friends with Ramiro, The Freakin' Puerto Rican or Pebbles, or BOTH! WOW! He must know all the lyrics to "Candy Shop" and can interpret any Sean Paul song.

We tradin' jail stories

Six years ago I was in Marco Island, Florida with my two cousins visiting my grandparents. During the trip I had driven down to the Everglades and bought a 4 inch push dagger for $25. The thing looked badass, with four finger holes (like brass knuckles) and four dull prongs surrounding the blade. My cousins both bought pocket knives, and had no problems transporting them on their carry-ons. My flight was a day later, and I figured since security gave them no trouble that I'd be fine. I figured the worst case scenario was that I'd just tell them it was a souvenir. Ahhh retarded 19 year old logic.

The old man monitoring the conveyor belt saw the knife appear on the screen and told me to stay put. He then told me to follow him into a room close by. Soon, four police officers appeared, one made a phone call and then said "he's goin' to jail". They cuffed me and walked me through the airport, my head bowed in shame in front of my grandparents and an assortment of random people.

They put me in a holding cell, where I called my parents. My mom thought it was a joke, but after a few minutes of me assuring her that my vacation was going to be extented, she started freaking out. I was photographed and fingerprinted, and after about an hour they threw me in a cruiser on the way to Lee County Jail.

The cell in the jail was about 10x15, with 12-13 dudes of all races co-habitating. One guy looked exactly like Busta Rhymes and another looked like Biggie without the cockeye. "Biggie" ended up throwing up in the lone cell toilet. Despite their lack of hygiene, these guys were pretty quiet and none of them gave me shit. One short, bald hispanic looking guy sat in the corner completely lifeless; I could've sworn he was dead.

After 6 hours the security guard finally called me out. My grandfather paid the $500 bond and my uncle ended up finding the only lawyer open within a 20 mile radius (it was a sunday). The lawyer shows up in his fishing attire and interrogates me for a half hour or so. He said tells me I'm being charged with a misdemeanor and he can represent me in court. He tells me if I was charged with a felony, I could've spent at least a year in jail.

The lawyer's fees were around $2500 and he did represent me in court. The only "penalty" I ended up receiving was that I can never apply for a police job in the state of Florida.

The next day I was watching TV at the condo when a news story came on about a guy who had a marijuana farm growing in his basement. The man was none other than the short, bald hispanic dude in my cell. I couldn't believe it.