Now that's a cast of characters!

College. A four year excursion filled with drinking, fucking, shitty food and studying once in awhile. Although I experienced all of the aforementioned, some of my favorite times at college didn't include guzzling 15 beers one night, hooking up with some skank whose name I didn't know the next and then trying to figure out which subject I had a test in the next day. Instead, I had the most fun making fun of my fellow classmates. Most peopl can relate to this. Everyone has their own small cast of characters that they routinely used to rag on with their friends. My list is very long and comprehensive, but I've picked out a few gems to share with you. Here are a few of the character names me and my friends created through my 4 year tenure at Bentley College. No real names are used except the first names of my friends. So without further ado:

The Penguin- The Penguin was a slightly overweight girl who, you guessed it, waddled like our favorite arctic being. She had a beakesque nose to complement her strut and somehow managed to play for the soccer team despite the fact that she had to play on grass in a relatively warm climate. My friend Jay hooked up with The Penguin freshman year and was the butt of myriad
jokes throughout college and beyond. He kept insisting that she was hot; a normal reply to this would be "compared to what, a fucking sea lion?"

Nips- This chick had a nipple ring which could been seen protruding through her sports bra when she went to the gym. She was in a lot of my classes and received strict scrutiny from my friends and I most of the time. Hmmm I wonder why?

Backne- A simple name yet so fitting. This kid's head appeared to be on Pluto most the time and the only reason he got into college was because of a tennis scholarship. The backne was due to the massive amounts of steroids, or maybe he just never showered. He also had really long eyelashes like a girl and his eyes always appeared to be half shut.


Raul Julia aka Gomez- Self-explanatory. The kid looked exactly like the late actor who played Gomez Addams in the hit movie, The Addams Family. This dude worked so many fucking hours at the Computer Resource Center that we just assumed he lived there as opposed to a dorm room. Everytime my laptop had a hard drive issue or if the screen froze, my anger would derive not from the fact that my comp was broken, but because I had to see this douche's ugly face. There were rumors floating around that he loved anal sex and a girl who I was dating dumped me to go out with him.














The Wall- One night, my friends and I were half-cocked and had an encounter with a few members of the football team who were one floor above the party we were at. Testosterone levels elevated and right before we were about to throw down this dude who was about 7'4" came out of the room, spread his wings and managed to simultaneously push like 10 football players away while screaming "GET OUTTA HERE" to us. He nearly fucking hit his head on the ceiling. When we saw him in a sober state, he wasn't nearly as big or scary but that night we could've sworn he turned into the Hulk.

Girl! Chicken!- This one black chick who was about 6'1" lived in our dorm junior year. She seemed pretty normal other than the fact that WE NEVER HEARD THE BITCH TALK. Therefore, we always wondered what she would actually say if we ever were lucky enough to hear it. Fittingly, racial stereotypes kicked in and one day when she walked down the hall I said "GIRL! CHICKEN!" and I snapped my fingers and shook my head in a StarJonesesque fashion. The name stuck.

Porky- The token beachball with legs that nobody would hook up with, at least anyone with standards. Therefore, Jay ended up hooking up with her and had his second beasitality experience of the year.

Ho Bag Surpeme with Cheese- Some slut that my friend Mike knew from another school who hooked up with like 4 guys in one night when she came to Bentley.

BombAss- There's a song by The Dogg Pound called "Bomb Ass Pussy" and we used to play it all the time. (A bunch of white kids find urban vernacular funny! No fucking way!) The lyrics went like "have you ever had some bomb ass pussy- that made you wanna scream dogg pound?" How can one hear that and not laugh? Anyways, there was this chick who was one grade below us who had the most innocent, virgin-looking face, but the sweetest, roundest apple of a booty on campus. Word got around quickly between my guy and girl friends, and soon enough she was known simply as "BombAss". Every time I hear that song I think of her.

BJP- Unfortunately yours truly is not omitted from this list, and although this nickname never stuck, the story behind it is fucking hilarious. One saturday night during my sophomore year, my friend Alex brought his girlfriend and three of her friends to Bentley. Two of her friends were pretty hot, the other not so much. After a little dancing and a lot of drinking, around 2 a.m.most of the 20 or so people in the room left. Alex was banging his girl in one room and Jay was corrupting the decent looking friend, and I found myself alone with the Wildebeast. Now if I was sober, I would've looked for the nearest rifle and shot the damn thing. But as a drunken fool, she looked very much like a nubile young woman and I figured, what the hell? So me and this beast are going at it on my friend Mike's bed, and after about 15 minutes I feel a rumble in my stomach. This isn't good. A few minutes later there's vomit all over this kid's bed, the naked girl and my pants.

I drunkenly say "shit I'm sorry", throw my clothes back on and storm out of the room into the common room. This kid Matt who I just met was sitting there drinking alone. I started making small talk with him with the O-Beast emerged from the room with a big grin on her face. I was scared. Why was she smiling, I just puked all over her? Was she that happy that a guy hooked up with her? Did she want to talk to me about her Bible Studies Class? Was this really happening?

I had to get outta there fast. I introduced Swamp Thing to Matt and bolted out of the room. I ended up stumbling about 2 miles to my off-campus apartment clad in my puke-laden cargo pants. The next morning all of my friends' away messages referred to me receiving a "puke job". I told them she puked all over the place, and even told Mike that he should've called her up to pay for new sheets. I didn't admit the truth until years later.