The Whore Brand: An in-depth look at the stamp on the tramp.

At my gym there's a woman (let's call her GrannyHo) who's probably in her mid-fifties, possibly pushing 60. Apparently no one has reminded her of her age since she routinely tries to pass as a 25 year old. Clad in a bebe top, complete with black booty-workout pants, long whitish-blonde hair that would complement any halloween costume, with a face that looked like it was stapled together by a 2nd grader. She is almost Kate Moss thin, and as a result her face is sunken in which causes her jawline and eyeballs to protrude to almost manly proportions.

Here we have our classic divorcee who needs to remind the world that she was pretty a long, long time ago and that she can still attract the opposite sex. We see this all the time right? The divorce rate has been staggeringly high for God knows how long, and in the words of Ricky Martin, nobody wants to be lonely. Therefore, its no surprise that older women want to look decent enough to attract viagra-popping CEOs.

I'm a proponent of self-improvement, and I respect anyone who goes to great lengths to change facets of their life for the better. Believe it or not, if GrannyHo was my mom, it wouldn't bother me too much that she works out like Marion Jones, dresses like Paris Hilton and pumps her face with more botox than John Kerry. What put me over the edge with this woman was the WHORE BRAND.

The Whore Brand (term made popular by the Tucker Max Message Board) is a tattoo strategically placed on the small of the back (above the ass crack). The WB has been a primary ho trait for the past 5 years or so, finding its way on hoes from ages 18-30. Depending on the girl's intelligence, social status and self-esteem at the time of the tattoo, the WB will usually take the form of a butterfly, heart, star, flower or combination of all four. The WB is usually the final touch to the finshed ho product after the highlighted/dyed hair, tan in a can, belly button ring, and meat curtains.


Back to our friend GrannyHo. Granny Ho is making a desperate attempt to be something she's not. With her WB, she is now telling the world "I think I'm a 25 year old skank. Please have sex with me. PLEASE!!" A fair comparison to this would be suburban white kids walking with rythym, wearing FUBU and speaking ebonics.

Granny Ho, and all other middle aged women who go to extreme lengths for superficial validation, please take my advice to heart:

Talk to a shrink. Understand why you want to look this way. Self-awareness is the first step.
Most guys in the gym don't think you are hot. You are scary looking.
Please buy some normal clothes for a woman your age.
Try taking up hobbies like knitting, cooking, sleeping and stay far, far away from the Internet.