Halloween Costume Ideas
Magic 8 Ball
Think for a minute.
Do you remember those stupid Magic 8 Balls that were so popular for God-knows-how-long?
Yeah, I know you had one.
Everyone had one.
They were the default pity gift of the 90s. You bowed your head in shame since that thing was the last gift on your wish list right after the Carnie Wilson diet video. For those of you who lived under a rock all your life, I'll give you a brief summary of this legendary Big. Black. Ball.
Basically, the ball was supposed to resemble an actual 8 ball in pool, but it was made of plastic and was about 3 times as large. The inside was hollow and filled with a mysterious black/bluish liquid (ooooooooooooooh!). The point of the "game" if you'd even call it that, was to shake the ball and ask it a question, and as you turned it around, a small 3-D triangular thing would give you an answer. There were only like 6 answers, ranging from the definites "Yes, Definitely Not." to the creative "Outlook Not So Good, As I See It, Yes!" and the ambiguous "Who Knows?"
One would assume that this thing would appeal only to middle schoolers, hairdressers and anyone who made a serious call to Ms. Cleo. Unfortunately, a lot of fucking people bought this worthless thing, and tried their luck on betting on future events in their pointless, vapid lives. I'll admit, I consulted The Ball a few times myself during my adolescence.
Me: Will I make the varsity basketball team?
8 Ball: Signs Point To Yes!
I'm fucking loving this thing.
Me: Will my acne ever go away?
8 Ball: Ask Again Later
Alright, fair enough.
5 minutes later
Me: Will my acne ever go away?
8 Ball: My Sources Say Yes.
Sweet.
Guess what? I never made the team, and I still get acne to this day. Fucking shitty-ass ball can go to hell.
Anyways, back to my point. I think that the concept is great, but as a halloween costume with the ball fixed around the waistline with the dial in front of the stomach. However, instead of boring responses like "It is decidedly so.", my 8 ball will include more entertaining and true to life responses such as "Lose 10 lbs. and I'll get back to you." and "Fuck, you are gay."
I think its brilliant. What do you think?
Douchebag
Ahhhh, the Douchebag. A species which inhabitates most colleges and bars across America. You know him well, as every crew out there has their Captain Try-hard. Since the nature of Halloween is to scare people, I'm sure this costume could easily scare away all the girls and heterosexual guys with this costume (maybe this isn't such a great idea???)
First off, you gotta have the pink shirt. My sister once told me that pink shirts were "in" and "cool". I wore one for a day and I swear that my penis actually shrunk 1.5 inches. I'm serious. I had to eat 10 lbs. of beef jerky, punch out a priest and simultaneously masturbate to lesbian porn while listening to death metal to regain my manhood.
Wearing this shirt as a costumer, however, doesn't count and I think it may actually increase my size 5-fold.
Next, the collar of the shirt must be popped. This shows that I'm trying really, really hard for someone to notice me. I'm so fucking cool, so damn fresh that I had the audacity to actually pop my collar, while everyone else's is normal. The ladies just aren't prepared for this ExPlOsIon of trendiness. Gays all around me pop boners as they gaze in awe at my popped collar.
Finally, the topping on the douche-Sundae, literally, is a can of bronzing oil. Yep, tan in a can. Yo, where da orange women at?!?
Now, if I really wanted to look like a real-life douche, I could go as far as getting my eyebrows waxed, a manicure and a blowout. However, I'd run the risk of looking too faggoty and I'd probably get shot. Therefore, I'd make sure I wrote the word "DOUCHEBAG" in large letters on the front and back of my pink shirt to show everyone that its just a costume.
Mr. Mothafuckin' Clean
This is my "cheesy, I didn't have time to put effort into my costume" costume and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if I ended up as our all-time favorite bathroom product character (are there any others?)
Mr. Clean is badass, so badass in fact that if he was real, he'd give Mr. T a run for his money (or in this case, gold). He appeals to such a wide demographic too. For instance-
- He's old, but not that old, and in pretty damn good shape for his age.
- The hip hop crowd can relate to his bling.
- He is the Messiah for introverted people. I don't think he's ever spoken a single word, and you know what....HE DOESN'T HAVE TO!
- Even gays can appreciate his, well, cleanliness.
- In conclusion, Mr. Clean rocks.
The costume is simple: Shave your head, fake earring, painted white eyebrows, white T-shirt, and I guess any pair of pants will do since we only see Clean's torso the label. Oh shit, and blue contacts because he has blue eyes. Actually, fuck that- any self-respecting straight man with brown eyes does not wear blue contacts, even if it compromises the integrity of the MC brand.
For those who are really drunk and can't figure out who I am, I'll be sure to carry a bottle with me at all times to show them and then proceed to hit them over the head with it. For those who aren't drunk and can't figure it out, the bottle will come in handy to pour into their drinks Maybe on the ambulence ride to the hospital they'll realize how stupid and out of touch with reality they are. Or maybe not.
So there you have it. What should I be?